solution-focused

Why is Good Change Sometimes Stressful?

Fri, 06 Oct 2023 15:58:37 GMT

Change is a part of life, and it comes in many forms – some good and some not-so-good. Change also offers benefits, such as personal growth, life improvements, and flexibility, as well as difficulties, such as stress, anxiety, and depression. Life Change Therapy is an effective way to help people adjust to the changes they face.

Change and Stress

Changes that are usually considered bad, such as separating from a mate or divorce, being fired, the death of a spouse, or detention in jail or other institute, typically cause the highest stress levels . However, even changes typically considered good, such as promotions, moving to a bigger home, and starting college, can also contribute to stress.

Stress can affect you both physically and mentally. Your body has an automatic physiological reaction to any perceived threat – the fight or flight response. Unfortunately, your body can’t differentiate between stress caused by an actual physical threat and stress caused by a life change.

“In response to acute stress, the body’s sympathetic nervous system is activated due to the sudden release of hormones,” the American Institute of Stress explains. “The sympathetic nervous systems stimulate the adrenal glands triggering the release of catecholamines, which include adrenaline and noradrenaline.”

This fight or flight response can result in many physical effects:

Increased heart rate
Dilation of coronary blood vessels
Suppression of the digestive system
Increased blood flow
Immunosuppression
Increased respiration rate
Pale or flushed skin
Dilation of pupils
And more

If these physical effects persist due to ongoing stress, it can lead to many health problems:

Insomnia
Anxiety
Muscle tension and pain
High blood pressure
Poor immune function
Heart disease
Obesity
Depression

Why Does Good Change Sometimes Cause Stress?

Routine is Good for Our Mental Health

Routines create structure, give us a sense of accomplishment, and more. Studies have found that regular routines are calming and can help reduce stress and anxiety. Furthermore, research has found that people – particularly those struggling with mental health concerns like bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety - need some routine for their mental well-being. Therefore, it stands to reason that even good changes – such as marriage, a new baby, a promotion, etc. – that disrupt the patterns of our lives or change our daily routines can be stressful.

Negativity Bias

“Negativity bias refers to our proclivity to ‘attend to, learn from, and use negative information far more than positive information,’” Positive Psychology explains. Therefore, even when we experience a good change that offers many positive benefits, many people are prone to think about the negative consequences of the change, which can, of course, cause stress.

Comfort Zones

A comfort zone is “a familiar psychological state where people are at ease and (perceive they are) in control of their environment, experiencing low levels of anxiety and stress.” Collins Dictionary states, “If a situation or activity is out of your comfort zone, it does not make you feel secure, comfortable, or in control.” Sometimes, good changes take you out of your comfort zone. For example, if you’re in an abusive relationship, at least it’s familiar; it’s what you know, and you know what to expect. You’re in a comfort zone, and getting away from the abuser (which most would consider a good change) may be scary because you don’t know what life will look like on the other side of that change.

How Can We Manage the Stress of Change?

Managing the stress of good changes is just as crucial to your health as managing the stress of bad changes.

Here are ten tips to help you deal with change:

Acknowledge That Things are Changing
Realize Even Good Change Can be Stressful
Focus on the Positive
Find Something Familiar
Try to be Flexible
Have a Strong Social Network
Eat Healthy
Exercise
Avoid Self-Medication, Alcohol, and Drugs
Avoid Making Additional Major Life Changes

Contact Us to Learn More About Life Change Therapy

Life Change Therapy aims to help individuals better understand how to cope with different life transitions to create a healthier and more fulfilling life. Counseling provides an opportunity to learn coping mechanisms and skills that can help individuals gain control over their stress and emotions and can help create calm and resiliency in the extreme moments of change, whether that change is perceived as good or bad.

8 Tips to Boost Your Child's Self-Esteem

Tue, 12 Sep 2023 15:56:52 GMT

Most parents want to do what is best for their children, but good parenting doesn't always come naturally. We aren't taught parenting skills in school or given an all-encompassing parenting guidebook when we discover we are about to become parents. Furthermore, every child, situation, and parent-child relationship is unique. It's inevitable that - as a parent - you will make mistakes.

For example, you know that healthy self-esteem is crucial to your child's success, so you may be tempted to praise your child for everything they do – whether they do it well or not. Genuine praise (see below) can help, but research shows that over-praising can have a negative effect on your child.

What is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem develops over time based on your relationships and experiences at home, in school, with friends, etc. "Self-esteem is your overall opinion of yourself, your beliefs about your abilities and limitations," Weber State University explains. "People with healthy self-esteem recognize and accept their abilities and their flaws, their strengths, and their weaknesses. They hold realistic expectations for themselves and others."

Low self-esteem can cause anxiety, stress, loneliness, depression, relationship problems, poor academic and job performance, and more.

8 Tips to Boost Your Child's Self-Esteem

Provide Genuine Praise
As we stated earlier, over-praising can actually have a negative effect on children and cause feelings of inadequacy and entitlement. It lowers the bar for them, so they no longer need to push themselves. Part of good self-esteem is the feeling of competence. Sometimes, trying something, failing, and trying again is necessary. Praising a child may prevent them from trying again.

However, genuine praise helps raise a child's self-esteem. If your child does something well, let them know. And it's better to give specific praise rather than general praise. Instead of telling your child that they are the best, the smartest, or the most talented, praise them for something specific, such as "You're really good at drawing cats," or "That was a great catch you made today," or "I'm proud of how you handled that argument with your friend."
Make it Clear Your Love is Unconditional
Letting your child know that they are loved unconditionally – failures, mistakes, weaknesses, and all – is one of the best things you can do for your child's self-esteem. Your child needs to know that you love them even when they make a mistake or behave poorly. Unconditional love helps them feel safe and secure and lets them know they don't have to be perfect and that they can make mistakes.
Let Your Child Take Healthy Risks
It can be challenging as a parent to stand back and watch your child make mistakes, but constantly hovering over them and doing everything for them isn't the solution. Children need to learn to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes to build self-esteem.

You need to weigh the benefits against the risks and ask yourself what is the worst thing that could happen if you let them take a chance and fail. For example, if a young child wants to pour his own juice but you know he will probably spill it, that may be worth the risk. If they succeed, it will build their confidence. If they fail, they can learn from their failure.
Let your Child Make Their Own Choices
Letting your child make age-appropriate choices helps them feel more powerful. It helps them understand the consequences of their choices so they can make better decisions in the future. For very young children, the choices may be small. For example, you can let them choose between cereal or eggs for breakfast or let them choose their clothing for the day.
Give your Child Responsibilities
Give your child age-appropriate responsibilities, such as chores around the house, to show their competence, feel like they're contributing, and build their self-esteem.

For example, younger children can set the table, make the bed, or feed the dog, and an older child may do their own laundry or help with meal prep. First, show them how to do the chore successfully, and then let them do it on their own. Even if they don't do it perfectly, let them know you appreciate that they did it. They may whine and complain now, but they'll thank you later.
Encourage Independence
It's healthy and normal for a child to become increasingly more independent. It may feel good when your child needs you (and they will continue to need you for a very long time), but they must become independent to build their self-esteem and succeed in life. So, encourage them to order their meal at a restaurant, talk with their teachers about problems, get ready for school, etc.
Turn Setbacks into Learning Experiences
Your child needs to know that no one is perfect and that it's okay to make mistakes. However, they also need to know that it's important to try again. So, be patient when your child fails and turn failures or setbacks into learning experiences.
Set Them Up for Success
You don't want to shield your child from failures and mistakes, but there are ways that you can set them up for success. For example, if your child is struggling and becoming frustrated with reading, consider offering books at a lower reading level.

It may feel as if you're lowering the bar or that they're taking a step backward. But while they practice reading the more accessible books, they build confidence in their reading skills. Reducing their frustration may allow them to tackle the more challenging books sooner.

Need More Advice on Parenting?

Parent counseling offers a safe space to express your feelings and learn how to manage them better. Parent counseling provides many benefits, such as unbiased support and guidance, emotional support, improved conflict resolution skills, and more.

Want to learn more? Contact us today at 610-772-8851 or schedule a free 15-minute consultation .

10 Tips to Help You Cope with Change

Tue, 08 Aug 2023 14:12:22 GMT

C hange is a part of life. Without change, we become stagnant. Some changes are good, like graduating from college and getting a new job. Some changes are not so good, like losing a job. Some changes are planned for, like moving to a bigger home. Some changes are not planned, like winning the lottery. Some changes occur slowly like a child growing up and leaving home. And some changes happen quickly, like a disabling heart attack.

One thing every type of change has in common is that it can be stressful and affect your mental health. Psychology Today explains why even good changes can be challenging, such as the status quo is comfortable, one change can result in another change, fear of the unknown, etc.

You must learn how to deal effectively with all types of changes – the good and the bad. Not doing so can affect you mentally and physically (headaches, insomnia, digestive problems, etc.). A counselor or therapist can often help, and there are steps you can take to deal better with change.

Here are 10 Tips to Help Deal with Change

1. Acknowledge That Things are Changing
Denying something is changing won’t keep it from changing and can create additional unnecessary stress. Try to acknowledge, accept, and perhaps even embrace change.

2. Realize Even Good Change Can be Stressful
As we mentioned, even good changes can be stressful. So, when you’re going through a good change, watch for signs of stress and consider some of these tips to help minimize it.

3. Focus on the Positive
There is scientific evidence of a phenomenon called negativity bias that causes people to have a “propensity to attend to, learn from, and use negative information far more than positive information.” Therefore, while some people tend to be more optimistic than others, we all need to proactively focus on the positive – rather than the negative – when we are going through a change.

4. Find Something Familiar
Too many changes at one time can be particularly stressful, so try to find something familiar to do, such as rewatching a TV show you love or eating comfort food (within reason). Try to maintain a regular schedule.

5. Be Flexible
Learn to accept that change is inevitable. Try to keep an open mind and let go of expectations. Don’t assume every change is bad and try to fight it.

6. Have a Strong Social Network
Having someone to talk to and provide support when you’re going through a transition can make all the difference.

7. Eat Healthy
Healthy eating is essential at any time but becomes even more crucial when dealing with change and the resulting stress. According to the American Psychological Association , “People tend to seek high-calorie, high-fat foods during periods of stress, though in fact, when people are stressed, their bodies store more fat than when they are relaxed.” So, when you are going through any kind of change, do your best to eat healthy foods, such as fruits and vegetables.

8. Exercise
Again, exercise is always crucial to your mental and physical well-being, but even more so when you’re under stress. According to the Mayo Clinic , exercise offers “stress-busting benefits,” such as producing endorphins, increased self-confidence, improved mood, etc.

9. Avoid Self-Medication, alcohol, and Drugs
Drugs and alcohol can seem to make things a little more bearable at the moment, but they can also cause depression and other health issues.

10. Avoid Making Major Life Changes
If you have a choice, don’t make any major life changes when going through a stressful transition. Stress and anxiety can cause brain fog , and your judgment may not be at its best.

Life Change Therapy

Sometimes, these steps aren’t enough, and the help of an experienced life change counselor can make all the difference. Life Change Therapy is an effective way to help people adjust to the changes they face.

If you’re struggling to cope with a change in your life, a life change counselor at Solution Focused Counseling can provide the necessary support and guidance to help you adjust to life transitions. Contact us today at 610-772-8851 or schedule a free 15-minute consultation .

What is Social Emotional Learning (SEL)?

j.arifaj@besolutionfocused.com (Justin Arifaj) — Wed, 12 Jul 2023 22:06:28 GMT

Social Emotional Learning (SEL) – sometimes called socio-emotional learning or social-emotional literacy - is a process that begins at birth and evolves throughout our lifetime. The National Education Association (NEA) defines SEL as “the process through which children and adults acquire and effectively apply the knowledge, attitudes, and skills necessary to understand and manage emotions, establish and achieve positive goals, feel and show empathy for others, establish and maintain positive relationships and make responsible decisions. “

We are not born with this knowledge or these attitudes and skills but begin developing them as babies. Early examples of SEL include a two-month-old baby learning to cry to get their needs met, a nine-month-old baby developing stranger anxiety, or a toddler becoming more defiant as they try to assert their independence.

Some people are naturally more capable of developing and cultivating these skills than others, and everyone develops them at their own pace. However, everyone can benefit from SEL.

Benefits of SEL

A large body of research confirms the benefits of SEL, and many schools now understand how crucial SEL is to a student’s success - socially, emotionally, and academically. They also recognize that SEL helps create safer schools because many unsafe behaviors - drug use, violence, and bullying - can be reduced with SEL.

“SEL programming is based on the understanding that the best learning emerges in the context of supportive relationships that make learning challenging, engaging, and meaningful,” the NEA states. “Social and emotional skills are critical to being a good student, citizen, and worker.”

According to the 2008 Meta-Analysis of SEL Programs , SEL achieved the following:

· 9% decrease in conduct problems, such as classroom misbehavior and aggression

· 10% decrease in emotional distress, such as anxiety and depression

· 9% improvement in attitudes about self, others, and school

· 23% improvement in social and emotional skills

· 9% improvement in school and classroom behavior

· 11 % improvement in achievement test scores

As beneficial as SEL is during our formative years, it can also benefit us as adults. Individuals with good social and emotional skills are better equipped to handle life’s daily challenges. SEL can be applied in the workplace to improve employee performance, develop leadership skills, and decrease employee turnover.

Bottomline: Anyone who wants to make positive life changes can benefit from SEL.

5 Key Competencies of SEL

There are five key competencies in SEL:

1. Self-Awareness is the ability to understand your own values, thoughts, needs, and emotions and recognize how they affect your behavior. It’s recognizing your own strengths and limitations while maintaining healthy self-confidence and developing a growth mindset.

2. Self-Management is the ability to manage thoughts, emotions, and behavior. This includes managing stress, controlling impulses, setting goals, being motivated, and delaying gratification.

3. Relationship Building is the ability to maintain healthy relationships and includes skills such as good communication, cooperation, active listening, problem-solving, conflict resolution, etc.

4. Responsible Decision Making is the ability to make good choices about your behavior and social interactions, including the ability to evaluate the benefits and consequences of different actions.

5. Social Awareness is the ability to understand and empathize with others from different backgrounds and in different settings. It’s the ability to see things through other people’s eyes and value their differences.

These essential social and emotional competencies allow you to set goals, work well with others, resolve conflict, cope with feelings, and develop healthy self-esteem.

Want to Learn More About SEL?

Solution Focused Counseling offers SEL to help individuals, school districts, and businesses develop leadership and self-care plans to become more successful individuals, students, and employees. If you want to learn more about SEL, contact us at 610-772-8851 , find us online , or schedule a free 15-minute consultation .

15 Tips to Cope with a Negative Partner or Spouse

Thu, 01 Jun 2023 15:00:00 GMT

Let’s face it…the world we live in isn’t perfect, and life can be challenging, which makes it all too easy to fall into a negative mindset. In fact, researchers have discovered something called negativity bias - “the propensity to attend to, learn from, and use negative information far more than positive information.” This is why we tend to remember traumatic experiences better than positive ones, recall insults better than praise, and think about negative things more often than positive ones.

The Problem with Negative Thinking

The problem with negative thinking is that it can make you sick. “Negative emotions, such as anger, fear, and frustration, and negative thinking patterns, such as hostility and cynicism, are normal,” research shows. “But they can become problematic when your negative emotions turn into a habitual outlook on the world. If untreated, heart disease, diabetes, or disability may result.” Thankfully, there are many things you can do to create a more positive mindset – exercising, cultivating gratitude, journaling, seeking professional help, and more.

But what if your spouse or partner has a negative mindset? Maybe they’re pessimistic, worry excessively, or are often critical or dismissive. Living with someone like that can be exhausting and negatively impact your relationship with them. Furthermore, studies show that negative emotions are contagious, so – if you aren’t careful - a negative partner can drag you down with them.

Causes of Negativity

Sometimes understanding why a person is negative can help. Here are a few common causes of negativity.

Negativity Bias – the tendency to focus on the negative
Excessive Stress
Genes – “Some people are genetically predisposed to see the world darkly,” according to a study .
Mental Health Conditions, such as depression, OCD, and anxiety

15 Tips to Cope with a Negative Spouse/Partner

Remember, you can’t change how someone else thinks, feels, or acts, and it isn’t your responsibility to make them feel better. However, you can change how you respond to them.

Here are fifteen tips for coping with a negative spouse/partner:

Accept that you are not in charge of your partner’s emotions and can’t fix their problems.
Don’t accept blame when you aren’t responsible.
Don’t overreact if they reject your offer of help.
Don’t take the negativity personally.
Try to forgive their mistakes and move on.
Don’t match your partner’s negative emotions to establish a connection.
Set an Example by staying focused on the positive.
Set Boundaries. Your partner has every right to their feelings, but establish what is and isn’t acceptable in your relationship.
Communicate with your partner to let them know how you’re feeling, to help you understand the root cause of their negativity, and to let them know what is and isn’t acceptable.
Regularly, suggest that your partner goes for a walk or does something fun with you.
Urge your partner to try new things.
Take Care of Yourself.
Build relationships with positive people who can bring optimism into your life
Develop self-awareness – recognizing and connecting your emotions, core beliefs, thoughts, weaknesses, and strengths.

15. Seek professional help

Sometimes, you just can’t go it alone, and the help of an experienced counselor can make all the difference in your relationship. Solution Focused Counseling helps resolve and heal relationships to create a win-win for everyone. We use multiple techniques – conflict resolution, mediation, and communication - to move your relationship forward.

If you’re struggling to cope with a negative partner or spouse, contact us today at 610-772-8851 , or schedule a free 15-minute consultation .

10 Obstacles to Change, and How to Overcome Them

Thu, 04 May 2023 14:55:19 GMT

Often, behavioral changes – such as how you react to a toxic person, limiting negative inner dialogue, or adjusting your parenting style - are an essential part of personal growth. But unfortunately, any type of change – big or small – can be hard and stressful, which is probably why many people resist change. Counseling can help you recognize and overcome common obstacles.

10 Obstacles That Make Change Difficult

1. Too Many Changes at Once – Often, when we decide to make a change, we're full of enthusiasm and eager to create our "ideal" self, making it challenging to choose just one thing to change. However, deciding to make too many changes at once may cause you to become overwhelmed, stressed, and unfocused, often sabotaging your efforts. So, it's almost always best to focus on one change at a time.

2. Fear – Fear of success or failure is another common obstacle. What if you fail? What then? On the other hand, what if you succeed? How will it change your life? How will others react to this change?

3. You're Comfortable – It's surprising how comfortable we can become with just about any situation. Our current circumstances may not be ideal, but at least we know what to expect. The status quo is comfortable, and who knows what will happen if we try to change it? Psychology Today quotes Thich Nhat Hanh, "People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar."

4. Lack of a Plan – A plan helps clarify everything and keep you focused. A plan should include the specific change you want to make, the steps you will take to make that change, reminders of the benefits, potential roadblocks and how to overcome them, etc.

5. Too Much Planning –Beware of "analysis paralysis" - overthinking and over-analyzing something to the point that you become paralyzed and don't take any steps to move forward.

6. Your Mindset – "You see life through your own unique lens. This is your mindset – the assumptions and expectations you hold about yourself, your life, and the situations around you," according to Stanford University . "Research shows that mindsets play a significant role in determining life's outcomes." Often, mindsets are distorted, but the good news is that according to Stanford, "mindsets are highly changeable, and if you are willing to learn the technology of changing your mindset and defeating your distorted thoughts, you can have significantly more happiness."

7. Lack of Persistence – In the beginning, you will probably be full of energy and enthusiasm, but making a change takes time. You may be tempted to abandon your efforts if you don't see immediate results. Furthermore, if you stumble and fall, you may be tempted to use that setback as a reason to quit. Sometimes, you just need to have faith in the process and push through.

8. Lack of Motivation – You need to really want a change to make it happen. It's that simple. If you don't really want to make a change or are trying to make a change for someone else, you are setting yourself up for failure. Motivation can wane over time, even if it's a change you want to make, so have a plan to keep yourself motivated.

9. Exhaustion – Discipline and self-control are exhausting! Sometimes you may just feel too tired to continue. Include some strategies to overcome this hurdle in your plan, but also cut yourself some slack if you stumble. Then, dust yourself off and get back on track as quickly as possible.

10. Trying to Change Someone Else – For the most part, you can't change someone else. You can only change how you connect, relate, and react to others. So, focus on changing yourself, not someone else.

Ready to Make a Change?

If you're ready to make a change and start living a happier, more fulfilled life, you don’t have to go it alone. Solution Focused Counseling can help you overcome your obstacles. We specialize in career counseling; life coaching; parenting, marital and premarital counseling, and more.

Don’t wait. Contact us today at 610-772-8851 , find us online , or schedule a free 15-minute consultation .

Changing the Context

Fri, 31 Mar 2023 17:18:28 GMT

I believe self-initiated change should be slow and focused. Think of it as a staircase - just worry about taking just one step at a time and doing so will take you to the top!

One way to initiate a small difference is to change the context. Altering the context of the issue provides a chance to notice the differences that really make a difference. For example, say you argued with your spouse last night in your bedroom. I would ask a client to try to argue with their spouse in the morning and in the bathroom. It might seem silly and people might question what would be different in bathroom...but, give it a shot. You might be surprised how hard it is to be livid with someone when you are in close contact and in a different location. Even more fascinating is that the squabble might not even occur given the entire shift in setting. Worth a try, right?

You will often hear me say that differences make a difference. Give it a try and see for yourself just how much clarity and perspective it gives when you change the context.

Looking for lasting change? Send me a message or give me a call and I will help you get started. As always, our first consultation is complimentary.

What About Insurance?

Wed, 12 Oct 2022 17:12:24 GMT

The question of payment is the number one deterrent of potential clients to receive counseling services. I do not process or accept insurance. However, you may be able to be reimbursed by "super billing" your insurance after payment has been rendered. Super billing is when you render payment and then submit the invoice to your insurance company for reimbursement. I would contact your insurance provider for more details.

In Solution Focused Counseling, insurance means a diagnosis and a diagnosis means that I would be the expert of your needs and wants. This goes directly against my beliefs of how humans change and get to their preferred future. The medical model of diagnosing and then treating that diagnosis makes the counselor the expert and the client becomes a patient.

You are not sick; you are looking for change that needs to supported. Contact me for a free consultation so you can experience the difference and the empowerment that is Solution Focused Counseling.

A Change for Good

Thu, 14 Apr 2022 17:00:56 GMT

What will be different once your needs are met? We live in an ever-changing world, but the human condition is to resist that change. Change is a painful process and one that has to happen for growth and development to continue across the human life span.

In solution focused counseling, I want clients to start with small and slow changes. Those minor goals for change will allow habits to be formed and lifestyle alterations to stay. The awesome thing about change is that changes in one area of life tend to lead to changes in other facets of our lives.

I would love to help you realize your potential and power for change that lies within. Your first consultation is complimentary - reach out and we can go through your journey of change together!